Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
