The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
