I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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