If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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