It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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