Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
soo... how was my night?
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