how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
