You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
