If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
