at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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