i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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