On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
