He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
