I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
