You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
