I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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