the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
