Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
