i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
