Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
