2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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