We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
