Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
