Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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