Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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