Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
