On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
