this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
