you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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