Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
