take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
