What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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