Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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