trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
