the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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