i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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