Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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