He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
