He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
