I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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