that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
