my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
