Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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