So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
