dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
