i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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