So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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