They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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