Midget sex pt 2 tonight
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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