Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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